It came from the email box ( warning not LDS approved)

The Conspiracy Strikes Back
"De-Bapping" to Thin Mormon Ranks in Retaliation for Baptism of Jewish Dead

The Church of Latter-day Saints, a religious sect founded by a man who claimed to learn the word of God by putting his face in a hat, has been baptizing the dead, including up to several hundred thousand Jews. The International Jewish Conspiracy is fighting back with a sweeping program of de-baptism that will forceably "choose" Mormons and other Christian fundamentalists for inclusion in G-d's favorite tribe.

Jews to have been baptized include Menachem Begin, a former prime minister of Israel, diarist Anne Frank, and the Baal Shem Tov, the spiritual leader whose teachings form the basis for the Hasidic movement.

Non-Jews to have been baptized include Adolf Hitler, formerly a Roman Catholic.

While the practice has angered some, spokesmen for the Catholic Church have admitted that "perhaps it was time for Mr. Hitler to move on."

"He brought us nothing but grief, that meshuggineh, and although we weren't going to excommunicate him any time soon, we're relieved to have him off our hands, frankly," said one anonymous source. "As a sign of gratitude, the Holy Father has offered them Torquemada, First Grand Inquisitor of Spain, too. He keeps calling late to kibbitz about his reputation and it really bothers His Holiness."

A Different Kind of Goy
The Church of Latter-day Saints embraces many beliefs not common to other Christian traditions. These mostly arise from the Book of Mormon, charitably described by Mark Twain as "chloroform in print" and often considered racist. Among the text's many claims are that native Americans descend from the lost tribe of Israel, that Christ visited them on the American continent, and that the color of their skin is a punishment for rejecting his teachings.

Some say the text orginates with a plagiarism of IJC's own Book of Shlomo, which tells of the time Moses parted the Atlantic Ocean and visited Bermuda for a one-week vacation with room, half-board and discounted wind surfing lessons included in the price of the parting.

We Do It Better
"Mormons baptize the dead using a practice known as proxy baptism, which allows a living person to stand in for the deceased," explains Yosef Shmidt, counter-Mormon intelligence specialist. "The process is slow, and requires a ceremony that includes complete immersion of the proxy in water. 'De-bapping' is done on a specially consecrated Macintosh G-4 computer, known as the Mac A/B. It's faster, and since you use fewer towels, better for the environment."

The process submits the subject to a virtual bris, six years of Hebrew lessons zipped into 8.3 seconds, several heavy meals and a bar- or bat-mitzvah at which virtual relatives talk about the subject's acne. "All told, it takes 14.2 seconds per goy, and we think we can improve on that with firewire."

It's a Surprise
The Church of Latter-day Saints makes no effort to inform the family members of those baptised by proxy; the only way to know if your relatives have been baptised in death is to look for their names on the Mormon's on-line International Geneological Index. To request the removal of a family member from their records, follow these instructions.
Key Events in the Baptism Wars
1962: Church of Latter-day Saints' First Scuba Squad floods an Italian cemetery with holy water. Dozens of dead Catholics, six atheists, nine Jews and one of the country's first Buddhists are lost in the encounter.

1976: InJewCon operatives from the Genuch Committee, coated with water-proof jelly, pose as proxies. Hundreds of baptisms are voided as bone-dry agents are dipped repeatedly. One agent who "warmed the water" when he thought no one would notice was subsequently expelled from the IJC swim team.

1979: Mormons in Detroit go door-to-door asking residents if they are dead yet. The search proves fruitless, although one person admits to having a head cold.

1984: The first computerized de-baptisms are performed on a mainframe in Geneva. It takes over 11 minutes per subject and a programming glitch leads to the production of a number of Zoroastrians.