Some good political Parody to make you feel better

Cheney Speech to Find Common Ground with Kerry
by Scott Ott
(2004-09-01) -- During his speech tonight at the Republican National Convention, Vice President Dick Cheney will extend an olive branch to Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry, praising his two decades of service in the U.S. Senate.

According to his prepared remarks, the vice president will also draw parallels between his Republican beliefs and Mr. Kerry's own principles.

Here's a brief excerpt of what Mr. Cheney will say tonight:

"As a conservative, I believe in getting government off the backs of the people. When I look at John Kerry's two decades in the Senate, I'm pleased to see that he sponsors almost no legislation, and rarely shows up for votes or committee meetings. Sen. Kerry has been a living example of less government, and for that I praise him."
"As a Republican, I believe in a strong military and vibrant global commerce, Sen. Kerry believes something similar. As I understand it, he even wants to strengthen our defense by outsourcing it to the United Nations. Now there's a free markets man for you!"

"As a Republican, I believe that you know best how to spend your money. For his part, John Kerry also believes that he knows best how to spend your money."

"As a Republican, I believe that teacher unions should be held accountable for results, and you may be surprised to learn that over at the Kerry campaign fundraising office teacher unions account for measurable results."


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Kerry Says U.S. Will Win 'Court Battle on Terror'
by Scott Ott
(2004-09-01) -- "America will win the court battle on terror," if John Forbes Kerry is elected president, according to the Democrat candidate.

Evoking the memory of former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, Mr. Kerry released a statement designed to position him as tougher on terror than President George Bush.

"We shall not flag or fail against terrorism," said Mr. Kerry, a Vietnam veteran and distinguished anti-war protestor who is also a U.S. Senator. "We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in the courtroom, we shall fight with subpoenas and pre-trial motions, we shall fight with clever arguments and emotional appeals, we shall defend our nation, whatever the cost may be--in actual or punitive damages. We shall plea bargain shrewdly and produce surprise witnesses and DNA analysis, but we shall never be paid unless we collect damages for you."

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August 31, 2004
Bush: RNC Doing Good Job 'Hiding Our Wackos'
by Scott Ott
(2004-08-30) -- President George Bush today told reporters on Air Force One that he's pleased with what he has seen of the Republican National Convention, and said party leaders are doing a "good job hiding our wackos from the cameras."

"If you watch the TV," said Mr. Bush, "You might think that the Republican party consists of reasonable fiscal conservatives with solid American values and a healthy concern for the defense of our nation. I applaud the convention organizers who are keeping the crazies under wraps."

The president added that for weeks he has worried that the Republican Convention would be "dominated by our rank-and-file wild-eyed neanderthal bigots who want to bomb the rest of the world back to the bronze age--in other words, the folks we call 'the base'."

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August 30, 2004
Internet Turns 35, Moves Out of Parent's Basement
by Scott Ott
(2004-08-30) -- The Internet officially turns 35-years-old on September 2, and according to sources close to the world wide web, it may finally move out of its parents' basement.

Born in 1969, the Internet really came of age during the early 1990s. But with a tough job market, the Internet couldn't earn a decent living doing anything "legitimate," according to friends of the family.

"We'll miss little Webby," said his father, "but we're hoping he'll find a way to make money outside of the gaming and adult entertainment industries. Now that he's out of the basement, we're hoping to put something more useful down there--like a sump pump."

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Kerry Demands Apology from 'Opinionated' First Lady
by Scott Ott
(2004-08-30) -- Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry today demanded an apology from First Lady Laura Bush for remarks that implied support for TV ads by Swift Boat Veterans for Truth which are critical of Mr. Kerry's 1971 'atrocity' testimony before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

"In a word, Laura Bush is opinionated," said Mr. Kerry. "And I don't think America wants a First Lady who shoots from the hip, speaks her mind and essentially tells the world to shove it."

Mr. Kerry, a Vietnam veteran and distinguished anti-war protestor who is also a U.S. Senator, said he was "emotionally devastated" by Mrs. Bush's comment and called on President George Bush to "stop hiding behind surrogates and right wing attack dogs."

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Kerry Proposes Deciding Presidency by Chants
by Scott Ott
(2004-08-30) -- On the eve of the Republican National Convention, as anti-Bush protestors gathered near New York's Madison Square Garden, Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry called for the abolition of the electoral college. Instead, he proposed that presidential elections "be decided by chants."

"We have heard democracy in action from the vox populi--the voice of the people--in the streets of New York City this weekend," said Mr. Kerry, a decorated Vietnam Veteran and distinguished anti-war protestor who is also a U.S. Senator. "It's time to retire the antiquated electoral college system and let chants rule our nation."

Under the Kerry plan, political party leaders would select a chanting delegate from each state, Puerto Rico, American Samoa and the District of Columbia. The day after the election, the chanters would assemble in Lafayette Park, near the White House, and begin unison shouting of their presidential preference using clever, rhyming couplets.

Judges from the United Nations would award points for creativity, volume and degree of difficulty. The Secretary-General of the U.N. would make the final decision.

"If we want to regain our credibility in the world," said Mr. Kerry, "We need the imprimatur of the U.N., and we need a system that doesn't disenfranchise those who can't read or can't follow directions. As Democrats, we have long believed that substantive change happens by chants."

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August 28, 2004
Kerry: Celebrities at Risk if Bush Reelected
by Scott Ott
(2004-08-28) -- Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry today warned that America faces "a celebrity exhaustion crisis" if President George Bush wins reelection in November.

"It's just another example of how this administration fails to care for the ordinary, needy people of this great country," said Mr. Kerry, a Vietnam veteran who is also a U.S. Senator. "Many celebrities--actors, musicians, comedians--already teeter on the brink of fatigue as they attend a plethora of Democrat fundraisers and anti-Bush protest events, and appear on TV news shows as political experts."

"I'm worried that they won't even make it through October, let alone four more years," said Mr. Kerry. "And if Janeane Garofalo, Bruce Springsteen, Moby, Ben Affleck or Margaret Cho wind up in some kind of 30-day recovery program or if their entertainment careers begin falter, they can send the bill directly to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. George W. Bush is wearing out these national treasures."

Mr. Kerry said if he's elected, the crisis will end, "because politically conservative celebrities are usually preoccupied with singing, acting or making jokes. In other words, they're not smart enough to get on a cable news show, or C-Span and debate Al Franken."

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