Thursday, September 22, 2005

Still more Deep thoughts

For those of you who know me, and those of you who don't, I've had something big going on in my life of late that has made me feel a tad awkward. My ex who... Lets just say during the period between our talking I've not always been as charitable towards as I would like to be in my heart...has started talking with me again on a regular basis.

She's had some bad stuff going on in her life, like really really bad stuff ( those of you who know me... you know of what I speak. Those of you who don't.... well I'm not telling). And things between us have gotten a whole lot closer. We've talked, we've listened.... and a whole lot of stuff has happened that really reminded me of the good in our past.

I've had some thoughts of "what if" and some serious whimsy in my heart... and I've had to temper it with some stone cold reason.

Well last night she reminded me of just how upset she could get me. What she did.... If some one else did it I would have been far more tolerant. But because of our past and because of how she used to do this sort of thing before it felt like a big slap in the face.

and as Charlie Murphy taught us in the "Hollywood story" segment of the chapelle show you don't slap a man in the face.

I probably should have kept my cool about it, but their was something that rung my head back to clarity.

I'm not anything -but- a friend right now to her. The stuff I let pass when we were a whole lot closer.... I really don't have to let pass. And If I do I am going to get walked over again. Its not to say she has designs of making me a floor mat, but what it is saying is that I'm wanting to lay out the road map of respect between us again.

I love and care for her as a friend, and if what was wrong between us before has really changed maybe more then that... But In our relationship in the past I let her do and say things that hurt me because I was in love with her. If we are really going to be friends *I* have to affirm my own value as a person.... thats something I didn't do before.

I wait the results of her setting me off.... frankly it aint real good, and I wouldn't be surprised if she stops talking to me all togther for a while.

I do love you bright lady, But I'm not going to tolerate what happened before. I'm going to say something now when it is a small thing before it becomes a huge thing.

I am sorry I had to put my foot down in the middle of what is going on in your life. But you and I have been togther when our lives were respectively deep in a septic tank.... so their are some things that have to be kept in check.

You say your starting to trust me, you say your starting to respect me.... Well the proof is in the pudding.... and lets just hope i got a nasty lump of pudding mix

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