Sunday, November 06, 2005

Some life rambling and blogging

Ok my life so far…. I am just here for the ride in some respects. I thought I had a good line on a new job but that didn’t end up working out to well for me. I can feel the new job I am going to have outside my grasp but I know it will come when I need it… or that’s the way this all seems to feel to me right now. Now that I have a good 3 months of bill paying here under my belt I see I considerably underestimated how much money I needed for my budget to the Sarasota Community Foundation to apply for scholarships ( to the tune of 2 g’s)

School is going well but I am caught at the place of Irony. My withdrawing from Arabic revealed to me that I had very little effort actually going into these other classes. I’ll have to re-work some things so I can be successful with whatever foreign language I end up with (despite my interest in the middle east I think maybe I should change my focus to the next big hot spot of the world… and believe it or not I am thinking the middle east will mostly be settled in 20 years or so. Its going to be hard to make my bones on a conflict that is winding down)

Having my first actual roommate has been a pretty good deal and has worked out well for me. I picked well with Kevin…Now I just need to get some money so I can start taking more of his in poker.

I am some time this next week going to get to a scale to see how much weight I have lost. I know I am down on the weight scale… I can tell by my clothes and the way people react when they see me. I just want to see how far I’ve went and how far I have to go.

I’ve gotten to dip my toe around the local Masonic pond here in Tampa… I’d have done more if I was bringing in some cash (Ok that’s a recurring theme right now)

Moving away from my mother has improved my relationship with my mother a thousand fold. Living in her house with the way my heart and soul was driving me just wasn’t conducive for our relationship at the time. Though this time she’s moved some one into my old room… but that’s ok, I don’t have any plans to burn up so bad I go there again except as a possible future guest room.

I’ve been getting rested from my sleeping but I’ve stopped sleeping 8 hours now. Not sure if that will also go the way of the dodo when I start working again. The last couple of days I’ve been fighting a funk which has made my sleep slightly erratic… And no good comes from that at all.

And then we get into romance. Its not that romance is more important right now then these other things, or that I’ve devoted more of my time and treasure to it…its just that the other things going on in my life right now are boring and not good for some random blog posting ;-)

So as I’ve told you all things with my Ex are warming up again. She’s been gone to a pagan festival and while gone she sent me some e-cards. In fact she sent me an e-card for each day she was gone. This is so different then the person she was it lifts the weight of my heart and makes me feel so very light. Every day in some little ways and some big ways she shows me things are very different with her then they were last time I held her in my arms.

I am grateful for this; grateful that even if this attempt to re-warm the old flame fails, I get to see her become the person in my heart I always knew she could be. The person that because of so many things in her life was very lost in herself.

I need to remind myself from time to time that there are still some big steps that have to come first before I take her back into my arms forever… but little by little those doubts which are reasonable in origin grow weaker and I grow more secure in letting my feelings of love and joy take over.

And we’ve not really started things yet. This is just warming up and revving the engines at this point. She has to get her divorce papers signed, and I’ll need I think to see it. Not that I don’t trust her but I remember quite a few folk who trusted some one in that situation who ended up not signing a divorce at all. Trust but verify isn’t unreasonable yet.

I’ve not had much luck finding some one else for my life and a part of me is bothered by that. Bothered I am settling on an old and reliable comfort. But then again I look at her and look at how she has changed and how much growth and healing she has yet to do in her life and I am not sure I can say with any reason to it that the relationship will be without struggles. But I think as we both struggle to grow in our lives that brings the comfort

I miss her smell; I miss the warmth of her body next to me. Before things heated up I had forgotten those phantom senses but I guess it is like riding a bike not something you forget.

Also the truth is few people I’ve tried to date (and failed miserably) had the passion in their heart to keep up with me. Few of them were the type who could deal with the full range of my spirituality. And my dear songbird always helped me become a better person. She always had this way of spurring me to raise myself to the next level.

I look forward to spending the time online with her I can. I look forward to when she can call me on the phone. I even look forward to the occasional txt message I get (though I should probably watch the bill on those a bit closer)

And possibly in March, probably in August I will see my dear one again.

She wants me to go on this tour of important folk in her life. It’s real to her this time…. And I am so deeply and totally in love with her all over again for all new reasons.

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